Breaking the Silence

She awoke staring at the stucco ceiling. Panic set in. What time was it? It was bright outside.

Worried that she was late for work, she leapt out of bed.

It was then the whole world began to spin as the blood ran to her head, feeling like she had been hit in the head with a baseball bat. Running her fingers through her matted, golden blond hair, she tried to piece together the night before.

“How did I get to bed?” The 25 year old college student scanned the room, finding her undergarments strewn across the floor.

Anna, who asked her real name not be disclosed, looked down at herself confused. She was still in her party dress, and her mouth had a left over acidic taste of vomit.

Something wasn’t right.

Opening her bedroom door, she heard muffled voices coming from the next room. Shakily making her way into the hall, she met a familiar face that shot her a smug look. His eyes held her frozen stare. A flash illuminated a darkened corner within the black hole that had become her memory of the night before.

Queasiness overtook her as her body began to tremble, and the world as it was once known to her, came crashing down. Anna had been sexually assaulted.

Anna’s assault falls into a drastic 91 per cent that goes unreported to police, according to Statistics Canada in 2003. Sexual assault is a silent predator within society that continues to go unspoken and often hidden or ignored. It’s not the kind of talk Canadians are interested in having at the dinner table.

For Anna, as with many other women and men in Canada, sexual assault carries a plague of many social stigmatisms and misconceptions, causing victims to minimize the seriousness of the situation.

Kate Adcock and Shannon Clark, of Calgary Communities Against Sexual Abuse (CCASA), say this is a common response for victims of sexual assault. They say it is a form of self protection, helping the victim cope with the extreme violation they have just undergone.

“People naturally want to make sense of what happened,” says Clark, a volunteer program coordinator. “They want to be able to have an answer.”

However, minimization often leads to self blame.

“To blame yourself gives you some power and control,” says Adcock, a sexual assault worker.

In Canada, 39 per cent of women have experienced at least one form of sexual assault, and four out of five post-secondary students have experienced violence while dating or in relationship. Of that number, 29 per cent were sexual assaults, according to a 1993 Health Canada report.

A fact sheet sits between the two CCASA workers. The sheet dispels common myths related to sexual assault.

The rape law in Canada changed in 1983 to a sexual assault law, because rape is often associated with a much more violent offence implying penetration. The current sexual assault law now contains three levels of assault encompassing a wide range of non-consensual sexual activity including intimate partner assault, says Clark.

“The language around sexual assault is about identifying that it is an assault using sex as the weapon,” says Clark. “It’s a violent crime regardless of how much physical force is needed.”

Society has a difficult time understanding that sexual assault has nothing to do with sex. It’s motivated by beliefs of entitlement and total disregard for victims rights, says Clark.

Adcock says it is the most intimate violation that can happen to someone.

“It’s about power and control,” she says. “It’s physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually even, such a violation.”

On a table outside the 7th floor elevators of CCASA, is a gold fish bowl, overflowing with folded, vibrant pieces of paper, featuring positive affirmations. Each one is designed to inspire the subconscious mind into manifesting positive life changes.

One reads “Today I will be vulnerable with someone I trust.”

That can be a terrifying and often threatening experience for a survivor who was assaulted by someone they knew, and worse yet, who was violated in their own home.

As with Anna’s case, her assailant was a friend that was brought to her home by another friend. It was a party. Everyone was just there to have a good time.

One too many drinks later, Anna awoke on her bathroom floor, with no recollection of how she got there. “I remember being escorted by a girl to my bedroom,” says Anna. “When I got into my room he was in my bed.”

Anna told him to get out, but he insisted he was only looking for a place to crash for the night. Reluctant but too incoherent to argue with him, Anna nestled into her bed, passing out again.

The rest remains brief flashes of haunting memories.

2009 -- an early reflection.

As the years pass, December seems to be a month of reflection for me. Evaluating where I was last year, where I want to be next year.


The more healing work I do, the more aware I become of how much more needs to be done.

A friend once asked me, "How do you know when you have finished doing your healing work?"


That is not a question I had an answer for then or now.


I suppose if you are asking that question, it is apparent that you are not finished.


My dear friend and mentor would say "as long are you are still breathing you have healing work to do."


When I first heard this it was quite the pill to swallow. As I continue down my path, I come to understand this concept more and more.


Shamanism is not a healing modality, it is a way of life.


So I'm setting my New Years goal early this year.


No matter how hectic my life may get, I will make time to meditate, to heal, and to enjoy life. I will bring balance into my life and as wounds reveal themselves I will take the time to heal them.


There is not enough time to say 'I don't have time to deal with this.'


As I move forward, I receive confirmation that the universe provides the things I ask for. It is truly a blessing and wonderful gift. I am most grateful.


Recently it has become quite apparent in order to accept these gifts that I long for I must be able to heal beyond my past in order to graciously receive these gifts.


2009's resolution was a building block on 2008's.


2008 - Figure out what I need.


2009 - Accomplish the goals I sought after.


Again, resolution accomplished. Here I sit in Calgary, going to school building on my photography skills with the support of those I love emanating through everything I do.

I am proud. 2009 has been quite the year.

School is going great. Living in the Wild West, as bitterly cold as it sometimes gets, is a refreshing and sometimes surreal experience.

THANK YOU from my entirety to everyone who has helped me, who has learned with me, who has taught me, who has laughed with me, who has morned with me. I love you and cherish you all.


2010 is all about Becoming.

429

Doors are opening for you. Walk through them.

Own it.

where is home?

You are exactly where you need to be.

Don't over analyze.

Breathe it in.

now.

Calgary recycling behind in the times

New residents of Calgary may be surprised to find out that the first curb side recycling program was introduced in April 2009, servicing only 300,000 single unit homes in the city.

There is also an eight dollar charge for residents who receive the service, with no opt out to the program. The monthly Blue Cart charge appears on the household’s City of Calgary (ENMAX) utility bill.

Blair Riddle, a communications supervisor for the City of Calgary's waste and recycling services says the eight dollar charge found on residents ENMAX bill is “so that the program is able to sustain itself.”

“It’s completely supported by the monthly charge to the households that receive the service, says Riddle. “Also the cost is offset somewhat by revenues of recyclables themselves.”
The program excludes those living in properties with more than four units.

“The council essentially directed us to serve the single family sector, [leaving] the multi-family population open to the private sector to approach them first, if by 2020 there are no significant inroads then it would be opened up to expansion.”

Comparing the program to other cities in the country leaves a lot of room for improvement.

The city of Hamilton, for example, has no deposit on recyclables, and has offered no fee services to single family as well as multi-family complexes since the 90’s.

Toronto, with an estimated population of 2.6 million is one of North America’s leading cities for recycling and waste management. In 2008 the city diverted a total of 388,188 metric tonnes of residential waste from landfills through various recycling programs.

The City of Toronto collection bylaw contains an ‘all-or-nothing’ policy, whereby a building must participate fully in all programs, including recycling, in order to have its garbage collected by the City.

In Ontario under regulation 103/94 it states that owners of multi-unit residential buildings with six or more units must have recycling programs in place.

Peter Aitchison is resident of a seven unit apartment building in Calgary, who grew up in the township of Mono, Ontario, population 7,100. He says for as long as he can remember there has been recycling in Mono.

“When I moved to Calgary five years ago, I could not believe they didn’t recycle,” says Aitchison.
Before moving to Calgary, Aitchison lived in Toronto with five other people in one house, and he recounts only ever having one bag of garbage per week because of the city’s expansive recycling program. But that is not the case for Aitchison any longer.

“Literally my dining room is a landfill of cans and milk crates,” says Aitchison. “My roommate hates the fact that there are bottles everywhere, it’s disgusting; it makes me want to throw them in the garbage.”

“If [Calgary] would just say ‘let’s just adopt another similar cities recycling program’ it would be great.”

For you I bleed myself dry.

When we find out that a significant other has been unfaithful we are faced with some serious decisions. There is some time that must to be taken to reflect. This is a time that we must be gentle with ourselves.

A trust has been broken. A bond that we feel we have formed with another, torn apart in a single instant, and for what? Twenty minutes of pleasure, of which most likely, wasn't even all that enjoyable and most definitely not intense. There is no connection in some random fuck. The worst part is that most often than not it's done out of spite. Had the intent just been to to have a 'release' there are other options, of which for most involve the right hand, a bottle of Vaseline proceeded by rolling over and going to sleep with the possibility of spooning with one of your pillows.

So now I wonder, have we forgotten what respect is? What love is? What a connection is?

A connection, to know, to feel, the presence of another, no matter how near or far. That feeling when you wake up in the morning and you think about a person only moments later to receive a phone call or a text message from that very individual. These are connections that we experience in all types of relationships in our lives.

And, only when we are truly open, do we begin to experience this in our everyday life. It's no longer just random synchronicities. We begin to feel physically what the other person is experiencing, we feel the shifts when things change, for the better and for the worst. We get a sense when the other is in need and because of this connection, this love that you share with one another, you are there to provide for each other.

There are those people in life that do get it, they understand what it is all about. They long for that connection with another, to finally be able to open their heart, to dive into the ever embracing pool of love. But for some it is just not possible, because there are no certainties when it comes to love. Love just is. Love is pure. The only thing that taints love is a wounded perspective.

For love to truly exist we must allow one another to exist as an individual, to stand in their power, in their being. We must learn to embrace the others right to life, to encourage one another to experience all that life has to offer. There also needs to be a balance of respect. Respect of ones feelings, of ones boundaries. Committing oneself to another does not mean you have to give up all the things you enjoy or want to accomplish in life. It means being accountable for your actions, taking into consideration how the other person is going to be affected by your decision. Communicating with one another and learning to compromise. Being HONEST, not only with your partner but also with yourSelf.

Have we begun to live out a limiting belief, which by committing oneself full heartily to another, we believe we must compromise our personal goals and our boundaries? Is it through these fears we ultimately manifest something much worst and are left unable to recognize ourselves? Or is it that we have just become so self absorbed and distracted by frivolous things that we just don't give a shit?!

With every breath, do you take in the now?

Longing to lay my head on your pillow.

To lie under the nights starry sky, with you at my side.

To retire our masks and allow vulnerability to engulf us.

A fishing hook.

Is all that is left our our relationship.

I cut the cord long ago, you're unable to reel me in anymore.

All the remains is your rusted hook anchored in my heart.

An infectious wound, in need of healing. In need of Love.

You are everything I don't want.

But you are still the one I call out to.

The yearning of memories past.

Fear.

Fear keeps us in a strangle hold.

Suffocating.

Fighting for air.

Scratching at the surface. Begging to break free.

Many people live their lives in fear.

I ask is this a life? Are you living at all if you are crippled by fear?

FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN.

I watch so many people struggle with their so called 'life'. Waking up in a dream day in and day out. Asking themselves why me? Playing into victim mode.

Afraid to make any choices. Afraid to make a change. Thus, continuing on the same miserable path, having blind faith and hope that one day they'll wake up in the life they so desperately long for.

And why? Because of uncertainties. Because of judgement. Judgement from themselves and judgement of those around them. I often wonder if it is the healed outcome that we truly fear, do we fear the success that comes from making the change?

Is it that we all just believe that one day we are going to be able to cash in on our suffering? On our hardships? That the great divine put us on this earth to suffer?

Why is it that when are getting to know new people, we bust out bag of wounds and begin to compare stories? Putting value our emotional war wounds. Do we really define ourselves by emotional scars? Believing that one another cares about the others story.

I am tired of hearing people complain about their situations. I am tired of hearing myself complain about my own situation.

Put up with it and shut up, or CHANGE it.

The only way to overcome this plague of Fear is to face it.

IFS

The Fragile one,
crippled in the closet
fetal position
afraid
alone
eyes filled with tears

ABANDONED

broken promises led to a lack of faith
an absence of trust in the Self.

I embraced her
as her tears soaked our face
she knew why I had come

her thoughts echoing off the white sterile walls

why should this time be any different?
i've heard your empty words before...
LOOK AT ME
you have forgotten me
locked me up
threw away the key
and posted Guard outside the door

-

The Guard,
standing at attention
should anyone get too close.
Silent
Stiff
Somber

ordered here to keep the peace
instead all that was created was Resistance

I asked the guard to step down
to understand the need for the fragile one to be let out of her cell

In return, the Guard was asked,
Are you ready?

The better question is, am I done suffering?

-

The Saboteur,
Feet up
Laughing as he witnesses what is taking place
Sly
Lazy
Destructive

preoccupied with extinguishing the flames
the cause of the fire is thought to be lost

All he does is laugh,

I need some sex.
Wanna smoke a bowl?
I need a cigarette.
Shot of liquid courage?
Just one more...

just one...
one
more
distraction



This is a very effective way for one to begin healing, or even for one to target specific 'parts' of themselves that may be hindering them or even creating duality within themselves.

Personally, this has provided me with an awareness into where I need to direct more healing in regards to my own resistance towards healing. I have facilitated many close friends through Shamanic healing sessions that struggle with their resistance towards healing. Together we have discussed at lengths what the cause may be. What we are getting out of not healing. And what need is being fed by not healing.
My first session with IFS has opened my eyes to how deep my seed is planted and what agreements were made that set certain beliefs systems into motion. The session very much reminded me of an Inner Body Journey. Empowering the Self. Enabling a Self-Led healing process.

an excerpt of I AM a Child of the Universe

I AM a Child of the Universe
My life I co-create
with other me-s who walk this path
to find a Heaven-gate.
I AM the Path of Peace.

All beings are my teachers, nature is my school.
The moon is my reflection,
the heavens are my home;
the suns and galaxies, my true expression;
I AM whispered in atoms and particles.
In stars I AM the Light.

I AM a Child of the Universe.
The word of Truth I speak.
I find my home within my heart
I AM the Word of Peace.

In Truth I touch the heart strings of All That Is.
My spirit goes where my body cannot.
My heart knows what my brain cannot behold
and I find the Universe written in my heart.
All is who I AM.

I AM a Child of the Universe.
I dance and sing and play.
Asleep I learn of who I AM
and laugh throughout the day.
I AM the Song of Peace
© allen aslan heart

Reflection. (2008) Part 1

Well, there may be a few entries under this one.

Right now I am feeling, well, I could feel a hell of a lot better. I am struggling because I think I am stuck in a rut. So I got the amazing idea for re read the last year of posts.

1929 - December 27, 2007

For New Years I have decided to figure what I need.
I feel that as of late I have become a walking contradiction. I give all this amazing advice but rarely put it to use myself.

I had no idea this was the resolution. How many of us can remember last years resolution?
I think all in all I figured out what I need. Or I am at least starting to have a pretty good understanding of it. I have been so fortunate to have many wonderful teachers this year. I really want to take the time to be grateful for these people. Some who have come bore very difficult lessons. And through all the tears I am still grateful for them all.
Some people in particular I will name, Pete Bernard and Karin Joy Scott. Two of the most amazing people you will ever meet. You guys have taught me so much. You guys are kick ass friends, cherished teachers and beautiful souls.

Gift of the year, owning your shit! :)
We are all one. If you see it in someone it's because it's in yourself.
It has been very inspirational to see this actually practised.

Notable life changing moment, being gifted the right to disappoint everyone! :D
This really put into perspective a lot things for me. It felt as though my reality had come crashing down upon hearing this. Which I've come to know as a wounded reality. I accepted in that moment what I had known in my core for years. That I was not being true to myself. This is half the battle. I disagree that knowing is half the battle. To be able to accept and have an awareness. Then do what is necessary for change.
"What lies in our power to do, it lies in our power not to do."

There are 3 notable dudes that have come and still linger...lol

We will call each of you Manfriend...

Manfriend 1 - You have been a teacher for me over the past 4 years. Good teachers for one another. We have seen some shit times. None that I would ever change. We make amazing friends. But terrible lovers. Some of my toughest lesson have been delivered by you.
Lesson learned, what love is.
I loved you enough to let you go. I became aware that I was trying to change you. We were trying to change each other. You deserve everything you feel you need. As do I. I love you and want the best for you. I am aware that I cannot give you those things.

Manfriend 2 - My 'all-nighter' soul talking buddy :) You fuck with my brain. lol. Letting go of you was hard to do. I've never met anyone like you, my friend!
Greatest gift, curiosity.
Dude, if it was not for our crazy convos, this letter may not have been written for years to come. You gave me the kick in the right directions with just enough time to take cover in the hills ;) ~muah! I love ya kid!

Nasty habits picked up, my intensity of germaphobe tendencies :P
Enough said.

Oh my Manfriend #3...
I have a list of that which you have taught me. Thank you. <3

Most important lesson, trusting my self.
This I am taking as a core foundation into the new year. I have always struggled with this. I wasn't lying when I said I was going to paint it. I bought paint today. What's really coincidental is that this painting has been half done since May. When I finish this painting, it's done.

I have to really thank you, before you, I had not had interest relationships in years. Yes boys, years.

Most painful lesson, vulnerability. Well fucking worth it.
For the first time ever, it felt real. I know this is what I want. In my future relationships, this is what I will look back on. An understanding how I should be treated, what I deserve. You taught me about things I don't have to tolerate.

I have a special thanks to Teeg's, you had to do one of the hardest things to do in a friendship. Thank you for not bullshitting me. By far the best Christmas pressie :) It means the world to me that you could do that for me. Thank you for supporting me through all of 2008's crazy ass shit! LOL I think you have defiantly seen me at my extremes this year. I'm baffled as to why you keep coming around. <3

I am so thankful for all of the wonderful friends new and old, no matter if you are in New Brunswick, Saskatoon, or Ireland. You bitches have done your fair share of hair holding ;)


If 2008 was all about figuring out what I need, I think I did pretty out-fucking-standing job :)
Let it be said that 2009 is all about Tiff. I'm going after those things that I need! :)

matters of the heart.

lying awake
afraid to sleep

should my heart betray
that which is buried deep

my words forever go unspoken

the not so lone journey.

The silent secrets are beginning to chatter
the wall of my mind beginning to speak.


Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep...

Journey with me on this day
my beautiful friend, lead the way

what to feel

As of late I have been complaining that I just go through the motions of life not actually living.

This is one of my few fears in life.

A friend of mine asked me recently to stop feeling.
I can't. I won't. It's not part of who I am. It's defiantly not who I want to be.

Being empathic is key to my existence.

It's how I help to facilitate healing in others. I feel their pain, I feel their sorrow, their happiness and success. I feel their silent prayers to the beyond.
I shed my tears to cleanse their soul.

I feel so much, I rarely feel my self.

When I stand behind a camera I am not thinking, I feel. Nothing else matters, it's about knowing when to click the shutter.
That freeze frame in time.
To capture TIME.
It is one of the few ways we can physically hold time in our hands.
To revisit a passing moment.
To invoke the energy of that 1/60 of a second.

I would not wish it another way.

I seek to find the balance.

thoughts?

are you ready for this?

your father has a year to live,
liver and lung cancer

step on a speed train and go and go

As I journey this path there is only one person that I need to tell me to love my life.
Me.
Last summer I was given a gift that I will forever cherish. For this, you will always have a place in my heart.

Thank you.

A.W.O.L.

this is normal.
its part of who i am
its how i deal.

its no worse this time...
is it?

with nothing left to give
its time to recharge.

sometimes we all need to take a little time for ourselves.
figure out who we are
and what we need

so i withdraw
to regroup

this is something i must do alone,
so that it is mine,
so that it is ME

this is not depression

its self-actualization

they were all right
all of them

its not enough
it will never be enough

speak to his soul
even it will tell you

its nothing she will find in anyone
its whats lacking in herself

the eleventh minute

5:11am

i count each plank down the dock

dawn has begun splashing her vibrant rays

the gently rippled river
painted with an innocent brilliance

two fervid old souls halt for a moment of perfection

perfection...

picking yourself back up.

If my success is measured by my willingness to keep trying and I should always do sober what I said while I was drunk;

then i need to re evaluate where i am.

I sometimes feel as though I am missing the 'soul mind body' connection.