For you I bleed myself dry.

When we find out that a significant other has been unfaithful we are faced with some serious decisions. There is some time that must to be taken to reflect. This is a time that we must be gentle with ourselves.

A trust has been broken. A bond that we feel we have formed with another, torn apart in a single instant, and for what? Twenty minutes of pleasure, of which most likely, wasn't even all that enjoyable and most definitely not intense. There is no connection in some random fuck. The worst part is that most often than not it's done out of spite. Had the intent just been to to have a 'release' there are other options, of which for most involve the right hand, a bottle of Vaseline proceeded by rolling over and going to sleep with the possibility of spooning with one of your pillows.

So now I wonder, have we forgotten what respect is? What love is? What a connection is?

A connection, to know, to feel, the presence of another, no matter how near or far. That feeling when you wake up in the morning and you think about a person only moments later to receive a phone call or a text message from that very individual. These are connections that we experience in all types of relationships in our lives.

And, only when we are truly open, do we begin to experience this in our everyday life. It's no longer just random synchronicities. We begin to feel physically what the other person is experiencing, we feel the shifts when things change, for the better and for the worst. We get a sense when the other is in need and because of this connection, this love that you share with one another, you are there to provide for each other.

There are those people in life that do get it, they understand what it is all about. They long for that connection with another, to finally be able to open their heart, to dive into the ever embracing pool of love. But for some it is just not possible, because there are no certainties when it comes to love. Love just is. Love is pure. The only thing that taints love is a wounded perspective.

For love to truly exist we must allow one another to exist as an individual, to stand in their power, in their being. We must learn to embrace the others right to life, to encourage one another to experience all that life has to offer. There also needs to be a balance of respect. Respect of ones feelings, of ones boundaries. Committing oneself to another does not mean you have to give up all the things you enjoy or want to accomplish in life. It means being accountable for your actions, taking into consideration how the other person is going to be affected by your decision. Communicating with one another and learning to compromise. Being HONEST, not only with your partner but also with yourSelf.

Have we begun to live out a limiting belief, which by committing oneself full heartily to another, we believe we must compromise our personal goals and our boundaries? Is it through these fears we ultimately manifest something much worst and are left unable to recognize ourselves? Or is it that we have just become so self absorbed and distracted by frivolous things that we just don't give a shit?!

With every breath, do you take in the now?

Longing to lay my head on your pillow.

To lie under the nights starry sky, with you at my side.

To retire our masks and allow vulnerability to engulf us.

A fishing hook.

Is all that is left our our relationship.

I cut the cord long ago, you're unable to reel me in anymore.

All the remains is your rusted hook anchored in my heart.

An infectious wound, in need of healing. In need of Love.

You are everything I don't want.

But you are still the one I call out to.

The yearning of memories past.

Fear.

Fear keeps us in a strangle hold.

Suffocating.

Fighting for air.

Scratching at the surface. Begging to break free.

Many people live their lives in fear.

I ask is this a life? Are you living at all if you are crippled by fear?

FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN.

I watch so many people struggle with their so called 'life'. Waking up in a dream day in and day out. Asking themselves why me? Playing into victim mode.

Afraid to make any choices. Afraid to make a change. Thus, continuing on the same miserable path, having blind faith and hope that one day they'll wake up in the life they so desperately long for.

And why? Because of uncertainties. Because of judgement. Judgement from themselves and judgement of those around them. I often wonder if it is the healed outcome that we truly fear, do we fear the success that comes from making the change?

Is it that we all just believe that one day we are going to be able to cash in on our suffering? On our hardships? That the great divine put us on this earth to suffer?

Why is it that when are getting to know new people, we bust out bag of wounds and begin to compare stories? Putting value our emotional war wounds. Do we really define ourselves by emotional scars? Believing that one another cares about the others story.

I am tired of hearing people complain about their situations. I am tired of hearing myself complain about my own situation.

Put up with it and shut up, or CHANGE it.

The only way to overcome this plague of Fear is to face it.

IFS

The Fragile one,
crippled in the closet
fetal position
afraid
alone
eyes filled with tears

ABANDONED

broken promises led to a lack of faith
an absence of trust in the Self.

I embraced her
as her tears soaked our face
she knew why I had come

her thoughts echoing off the white sterile walls

why should this time be any different?
i've heard your empty words before...
LOOK AT ME
you have forgotten me
locked me up
threw away the key
and posted Guard outside the door

-

The Guard,
standing at attention
should anyone get too close.
Silent
Stiff
Somber

ordered here to keep the peace
instead all that was created was Resistance

I asked the guard to step down
to understand the need for the fragile one to be let out of her cell

In return, the Guard was asked,
Are you ready?

The better question is, am I done suffering?

-

The Saboteur,
Feet up
Laughing as he witnesses what is taking place
Sly
Lazy
Destructive

preoccupied with extinguishing the flames
the cause of the fire is thought to be lost

All he does is laugh,

I need some sex.
Wanna smoke a bowl?
I need a cigarette.
Shot of liquid courage?
Just one more...

just one...
one
more
distraction



This is a very effective way for one to begin healing, or even for one to target specific 'parts' of themselves that may be hindering them or even creating duality within themselves.

Personally, this has provided me with an awareness into where I need to direct more healing in regards to my own resistance towards healing. I have facilitated many close friends through Shamanic healing sessions that struggle with their resistance towards healing. Together we have discussed at lengths what the cause may be. What we are getting out of not healing. And what need is being fed by not healing.
My first session with IFS has opened my eyes to how deep my seed is planted and what agreements were made that set certain beliefs systems into motion. The session very much reminded me of an Inner Body Journey. Empowering the Self. Enabling a Self-Led healing process.

an excerpt of I AM a Child of the Universe

I AM a Child of the Universe
My life I co-create
with other me-s who walk this path
to find a Heaven-gate.
I AM the Path of Peace.

All beings are my teachers, nature is my school.
The moon is my reflection,
the heavens are my home;
the suns and galaxies, my true expression;
I AM whispered in atoms and particles.
In stars I AM the Light.

I AM a Child of the Universe.
The word of Truth I speak.
I find my home within my heart
I AM the Word of Peace.

In Truth I touch the heart strings of All That Is.
My spirit goes where my body cannot.
My heart knows what my brain cannot behold
and I find the Universe written in my heart.
All is who I AM.

I AM a Child of the Universe.
I dance and sing and play.
Asleep I learn of who I AM
and laugh throughout the day.
I AM the Song of Peace
© allen aslan heart

Reflection. (2008) Part 1

Well, there may be a few entries under this one.

Right now I am feeling, well, I could feel a hell of a lot better. I am struggling because I think I am stuck in a rut. So I got the amazing idea for re read the last year of posts.

1929 - December 27, 2007

For New Years I have decided to figure what I need.
I feel that as of late I have become a walking contradiction. I give all this amazing advice but rarely put it to use myself.

I had no idea this was the resolution. How many of us can remember last years resolution?
I think all in all I figured out what I need. Or I am at least starting to have a pretty good understanding of it. I have been so fortunate to have many wonderful teachers this year. I really want to take the time to be grateful for these people. Some who have come bore very difficult lessons. And through all the tears I am still grateful for them all.
Some people in particular I will name, Pete Bernard and Karin Joy Scott. Two of the most amazing people you will ever meet. You guys have taught me so much. You guys are kick ass friends, cherished teachers and beautiful souls.

Gift of the year, owning your shit! :)
We are all one. If you see it in someone it's because it's in yourself.
It has been very inspirational to see this actually practised.

Notable life changing moment, being gifted the right to disappoint everyone! :D
This really put into perspective a lot things for me. It felt as though my reality had come crashing down upon hearing this. Which I've come to know as a wounded reality. I accepted in that moment what I had known in my core for years. That I was not being true to myself. This is half the battle. I disagree that knowing is half the battle. To be able to accept and have an awareness. Then do what is necessary for change.
"What lies in our power to do, it lies in our power not to do."

There are 3 notable dudes that have come and still linger...lol

We will call each of you Manfriend...

Manfriend 1 - You have been a teacher for me over the past 4 years. Good teachers for one another. We have seen some shit times. None that I would ever change. We make amazing friends. But terrible lovers. Some of my toughest lesson have been delivered by you.
Lesson learned, what love is.
I loved you enough to let you go. I became aware that I was trying to change you. We were trying to change each other. You deserve everything you feel you need. As do I. I love you and want the best for you. I am aware that I cannot give you those things.

Manfriend 2 - My 'all-nighter' soul talking buddy :) You fuck with my brain. lol. Letting go of you was hard to do. I've never met anyone like you, my friend!
Greatest gift, curiosity.
Dude, if it was not for our crazy convos, this letter may not have been written for years to come. You gave me the kick in the right directions with just enough time to take cover in the hills ;) ~muah! I love ya kid!

Nasty habits picked up, my intensity of germaphobe tendencies :P
Enough said.

Oh my Manfriend #3...
I have a list of that which you have taught me. Thank you. <3

Most important lesson, trusting my self.
This I am taking as a core foundation into the new year. I have always struggled with this. I wasn't lying when I said I was going to paint it. I bought paint today. What's really coincidental is that this painting has been half done since May. When I finish this painting, it's done.

I have to really thank you, before you, I had not had interest relationships in years. Yes boys, years.

Most painful lesson, vulnerability. Well fucking worth it.
For the first time ever, it felt real. I know this is what I want. In my future relationships, this is what I will look back on. An understanding how I should be treated, what I deserve. You taught me about things I don't have to tolerate.

I have a special thanks to Teeg's, you had to do one of the hardest things to do in a friendship. Thank you for not bullshitting me. By far the best Christmas pressie :) It means the world to me that you could do that for me. Thank you for supporting me through all of 2008's crazy ass shit! LOL I think you have defiantly seen me at my extremes this year. I'm baffled as to why you keep coming around. <3

I am so thankful for all of the wonderful friends new and old, no matter if you are in New Brunswick, Saskatoon, or Ireland. You bitches have done your fair share of hair holding ;)


If 2008 was all about figuring out what I need, I think I did pretty out-fucking-standing job :)
Let it be said that 2009 is all about Tiff. I'm going after those things that I need! :)

matters of the heart.

lying awake
afraid to sleep

should my heart betray
that which is buried deep

my words forever go unspoken