Reflection. (2008) Part 1

Well, there may be a few entries under this one.

Right now I am feeling, well, I could feel a hell of a lot better. I am struggling because I think I am stuck in a rut. So I got the amazing idea for re read the last year of posts.

1929 - December 27, 2007

For New Years I have decided to figure what I need.
I feel that as of late I have become a walking contradiction. I give all this amazing advice but rarely put it to use myself.

I had no idea this was the resolution. How many of us can remember last years resolution?
I think all in all I figured out what I need. Or I am at least starting to have a pretty good understanding of it. I have been so fortunate to have many wonderful teachers this year. I really want to take the time to be grateful for these people. Some who have come bore very difficult lessons. And through all the tears I am still grateful for them all.
Some people in particular I will name, Pete Bernard and Karin Joy Scott. Two of the most amazing people you will ever meet. You guys have taught me so much. You guys are kick ass friends, cherished teachers and beautiful souls.

Gift of the year, owning your shit! :)
We are all one. If you see it in someone it's because it's in yourself.
It has been very inspirational to see this actually practised.

Notable life changing moment, being gifted the right to disappoint everyone! :D
This really put into perspective a lot things for me. It felt as though my reality had come crashing down upon hearing this. Which I've come to know as a wounded reality. I accepted in that moment what I had known in my core for years. That I was not being true to myself. This is half the battle. I disagree that knowing is half the battle. To be able to accept and have an awareness. Then do what is necessary for change.
"What lies in our power to do, it lies in our power not to do."

There are 3 notable dudes that have come and still linger...lol

We will call each of you Manfriend...

Manfriend 1 - You have been a teacher for me over the past 4 years. Good teachers for one another. We have seen some shit times. None that I would ever change. We make amazing friends. But terrible lovers. Some of my toughest lesson have been delivered by you.
Lesson learned, what love is.
I loved you enough to let you go. I became aware that I was trying to change you. We were trying to change each other. You deserve everything you feel you need. As do I. I love you and want the best for you. I am aware that I cannot give you those things.

Manfriend 2 - My 'all-nighter' soul talking buddy :) You fuck with my brain. lol. Letting go of you was hard to do. I've never met anyone like you, my friend!
Greatest gift, curiosity.
Dude, if it was not for our crazy convos, this letter may not have been written for years to come. You gave me the kick in the right directions with just enough time to take cover in the hills ;) ~muah! I love ya kid!

Nasty habits picked up, my intensity of germaphobe tendencies :P
Enough said.

Oh my Manfriend #3...
I have a list of that which you have taught me. Thank you. <3

Most important lesson, trusting my self.
This I am taking as a core foundation into the new year. I have always struggled with this. I wasn't lying when I said I was going to paint it. I bought paint today. What's really coincidental is that this painting has been half done since May. When I finish this painting, it's done.

I have to really thank you, before you, I had not had interest relationships in years. Yes boys, years.

Most painful lesson, vulnerability. Well fucking worth it.
For the first time ever, it felt real. I know this is what I want. In my future relationships, this is what I will look back on. An understanding how I should be treated, what I deserve. You taught me about things I don't have to tolerate.

I have a special thanks to Teeg's, you had to do one of the hardest things to do in a friendship. Thank you for not bullshitting me. By far the best Christmas pressie :) It means the world to me that you could do that for me. Thank you for supporting me through all of 2008's crazy ass shit! LOL I think you have defiantly seen me at my extremes this year. I'm baffled as to why you keep coming around. <3

I am so thankful for all of the wonderful friends new and old, no matter if you are in New Brunswick, Saskatoon, or Ireland. You bitches have done your fair share of hair holding ;)


If 2008 was all about figuring out what I need, I think I did pretty out-fucking-standing job :)
Let it be said that 2009 is all about Tiff. I'm going after those things that I need! :)